Where We Begin
by waiting4morning
Summary: When Jaal gets sick, Joan Ryder learns that being his partner involves a type of intimacy she didn't expect. (Shameless fluff, Spoilers for Jaalmance and plot up to Elaaden)


Where We Begin

Their first day on Elaaden was draining. Joan's hardsuit seemed to absorb all the heat, making her feel sluggish and sticky almost as soon as she stepped off the Tempest. Jaal and Liam didn't seem much better, their usual friendly banter devolving from monosyllabic replies, to grunts, and then long stretches of silence.

They drove around in the Nomad—which soon began to feel like the inside of a boiling kettle—trying to scout out locations of the monoliths, but also to get the lay of the land closer to the krogan colony. Drack had tipped her off to make her presence known outside the colony first so word would spread she was on the planet. Krogan didn't like to be surprised; especially by the Initiative.

"Shade!" Jaal's voice sounded eager for the first time that day. "Darling one, shade!"

Joan glanced to the side, seeing a dark patch of the hardy red scrub grass and, miracle of miracles, several of the spindly trees waving in an unseen breeze.

"I see it. Want to take a break?"

"God, yes," Liam said. "Though you'll have to peel me off this seat first."

SAM registered the temperature change as soon as they pulled under the overhanging trees. Joan hopped out, enjoying the breeze on her face. It was still too hot for comfort, but at least the shade gave a break from the punishing sun.

Liam and Jaal squeaked their way out of the Nomad. Both of them were damp with sweat and Joan left the doors of the Nomad open to air it out.

"Vault's gotta be first priority, Ryder," Liam said, taking a gulp from his canteen. "With any luck, Elaaden will turn into Voeld."

"Wishful thinking," Joan sighed, leaning against the front tire and trying not to squirm. There was sand in her… everywhere. "You know that even Remnant terraforming doesn't seem to work that fast. Even if it did, Elaaden is tidally locked to its sun. It's always going to be daylight on this side."

"Let a man dream, Ryder." Liam found the densest patch of grass and laid down, eyes closed.

Joan wandered over to Jaal sitting hunched under one of the trees, eyes also closed. He looked paler than usual, or was it just the sun and shade playing tricks on her eyes?

As she stood there, waiting to be noticed, he coughed, a deep rattling sound in his chest.

"Hey," she said. "You okay?"

His eyes popped open, fully dilated. "Joan. You startled me." He glanced away, then back. "I am fine. Just… it's the dust and sand. I'm not used to the climate yet."

"Yeah, me neither," she said, sitting down next to him. Jaal's expression softened when he looked at her, and she couldn't resist giving him a quick kiss. Their relationship still thrilled her. The simple idea that she could kiss Jaal and he would reciprocate, and that she could talk to him about anything and he wouldn't reject her was still something that amazed her.

Jaal sighed when she leaned against him. "Even kissing isn't as fun when it's this hot."

"We'll head back to the Tempest for dinner and sleep," she reassured him. "I don't think I trust any food here yet, and I need a shower that isn't going to cost me two thousand credits."

Jaal kissed the side of her head. "You are my favorite, Joan. Say it again."

Joan laughed. "Say what, that we're going back to the Tempest?"

"Again," he rumbled.

"We're going back to the Tempest."

"Mmm… again." He began kissing her again, his mouth moving from hers to the hollow of her neck, just above where her underarmor protruded above her chestpiece.

Joan's breath caught. "We're... going back to... the Tempest."

"Oi, love birds," Liam said, sitting up. "Shuttle coming in at our six. Probably not friendlies…?"

"SAM?" Joan stood, watching the dark speck grow larger.

"The incoming shuttle was at The Paradise and is not registered with the Initiative or any of our allies, Pathfinder. I recommend preparing for a fight."

"I thought those scavs were eyeing the Nomad a little too hard," Liam said, dashing to the Nomad for his helmet and tossing Joan's to her.

Gunfire splashed around them, throwing up sand and dirt. Jaal flung himself behind the one small boulder next to the trees while Liam and Joan took cover behind the Nomad.

"I'm going to try a singularity," Joan yelled into her comm as more bullets pinged against her shields. "Cover me!"

"Roger that!"

"Acknowledged!"

Liam lobbed a grenade and Jaal sniped the closest raider, distracting them from Joan who came out from cover to focus on her target. She inhaled deep, concentrating on the tingle of dark energy racing through her bones. Her biotic corona erupted over her skin and she twisted her arms, her vision blurring as she performed the mnemonic—

Gunfire spat nearby and Jaal cried out. Joan's aura flickered and died as she turned toward him.

"Jaal!" Liam shouted.

"I'm fine!" The angara said, coughing again. "Just a scratch. Go!"

Only reassured once she saw his rifle go up again, Joan refocused and a moment later a singularity burst into being above the rocks the scavengers were hiding behind.

 _Breathe in_ … Joan sent a shockwave following the singularity and the resulting explosions shook the ground. Jaal and Liam picked off the few stragglers while Joan blinked away black spots in her vision.

"Pathfinder, you need to replenish your fluids and electrolytes," SAM said in her ear. "The extreme temperatures of Elaaden combined with use of your biotics will drain your strength quicker than you are used to."

"Eat more, drink more. Got it."

Out of the corner her eye, she thought she saw Jaal limping toward the Nomad, but when she popped her helmet, he was checking over his rifle, looking like nothing was wrong.

"Jaal?" she said, heading over to check on him. "You said you took a hit? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, darling one." He frowned as he examined his gun, taking a part out and blowing on it. "Sand is going to ruin this gun if I'm not careful…"

She had no choice other than to believe him. He didn't seem to be bleeding anywhere that she could see, and his motions seemed smooth.

"Joanie, this one of those those fancy augmentations you're always going on about?" Liam said behind her, tossing a small object her direction. "One of the raiders had it on his armor."

Still focused on Jaal, Joan didn't turn in time and it bounced off the side of her head.

"Ow!"

"Whoops."

Joan bent to pick up the augmentation and made a face. "Looting, Liam? Really?"

"Hey you can throw it out into the desert if you really don't want it," Liam said with a grin. She sighed and pocketed the device like he knew she would.

Joan hoisted herself back into the Nomad and rooted around in the rations stash for the nutrient drink Cora recommended as a good biotic supplement. She downed most of it while Liam and Jaal climbed into the Nomad.

"I think we're pretty close to the first monolith," Joan said, squinting at the map display on the dashboard. "You two ready for Remnant?"

A pair of simultaneous grunts sounded from the back seat and she sighed. "I'll take that as a yes."

#

"Pathfinder."

Joan jolted awake at SAM's voice in her head and groaned as she looked at the clock beside her bed. She'd only been asleep for three hours.

"What is it?" she groaned. "The ship better be on fire or something."

"Cora and Liam are outside the door to your quarters. They wish to speak with you."

"In the middle of the night?"

"It is a matter concerning Jaal."

Joan frowned. "Jaal?"

They wouldn't have come at this hour unless it was important. She sighed, sitting up on the edge of her bed, rubbing her eyes, then grabbed her brother's hoodie that she'd taken from his locker on the _Hyperion_ and pulled it over her tank top.

When she opened the door, Cora and Liam were similarly attired in sleepwear, though both of them looked hollow-eyed and exhausted.

"What is it?" Joan asked.

"Can't you do something about him?" Liam jerked a thumb over his shoulder. "I haven't gone to sleep at all."

"N-no one has," Cora added through a jaw-cracking yawn.

Joan opened her mouth to ask what they meant when she heard it: a deep, wet hacking cough echoing throughout the ship.

"Is that… Jaal?" she asked after the coughing fit finally stopped a few seconds later.

"He's been coughing since we got back on the Tempest," Liam grumbled, scrubbing a hand down his face. "He won't let Lexi in to treat him. I just want to sleep, Ryder… please do something."

As if on cue, the coughing started up again.

"Alright," Joan sighed and wearily climbed up the ladder so she could reach the tech room where Jaal had stored his bed. Lexi was indeed standing outside his door when she walked up, looking not a bit sleepy, though perhaps a little frustrated.

Lexi crossed her arms as Joan padded over. "He's been coughing for over two hours. He won't let me in to help him," she said in a low voice.

"There's a cultural taboo against illness among the angara," Joan explained, also whispering. "I thought you knew that."

Lexi frowned. "Well, I knew Jaal was sensitive about his physical and a bit shy, perhaps, but an actual taboo?"

"It's considered private… like humans discussing... uh… sexual activity," Joan tried to explain, though her own thoughts were still groggy. "Next time we go to Aya, maybe you can chat with the doctor there one on one and get more information."

Lexi nodded, looking thoughtful. "I wish I'd known this sooner. It does explain a few things..."

"Do you actually have any medicine for him?"

"No, but I thought I might be able to help anyway, and determine if I did have something that he could take." Her mouth twisted in frustration. "We are well stocked with treatments for battlefield injuries, but I should have taken illnesses into account as well. Sloppy of me, especially on a ship in such close quarters. Someone was bound to get sick sooner or later. I'll remedy that next time we're on the Nexus."

"The decision to switch from Harry to you probably tossed a few things up in the air," Joan said, shrugging. "Go back to the med-bay. I'll talk to him, and if I can get him to come down, I will."

"Very well. Good luck."

Joan waited until she heard the medbay door close below before tapping on Jaal's door.

"Jaal?"

"Darling one?"

"Can I come in?"

A pathetic cough sounded before answered. "I… I don't want you to see me like this."

Joan smiled. "Jaal, you're sick. Please, let me help."

Silence.

She waited, leaning against the wall, trying not to fall asleep until finally the door hissed open, and she was suddenly jolted awake at the sight of a completely naked Jaal.

Joan jerked her eyes up to the ceiling over the urge to look _down_ and focused on his face: his miserable, beautiful face and downcast blue eyes.

"Jaal," she said in as calm a voice as she could manage. "Why don't you have any clothes on?"

"The bed supposedly works better if there is no clothes between you and the ions," he said, though he shivered and then glanced behind Joan with a furtive motion. "Is Lexi gone? No one else is here, are they?"

"No, just me."

 _God, you're testing me, aren't you?_ She hurried in around him, grabbed a blanket from the nest he'd made on his bed, and threw it around his shoulders to cover up… most of him. As she did so, she noticed a scrape along his bicep that was crusted over with a dark blue scab and a darkening patch on his side. A bruise? There was also what looked like a bandage around his forearm that was stained with blue blood, and a scratch on his lower leg that looked like it was starting to get infected. At least, she thought that's what the blue skin around a cut might mean.

"Jaal! You're injured!" Then she realized what she was looking at. "You got these wounds in the fights today. Why didn't you say anything? Why didn't you see Lexi when we got back to the ship?"

Jaal shifted, looking for all the word like a little boy with his hands caught in a cookie jar. "Because I thought if I went in for the injuries, she would detect my illness." He mumbled the last, and ducked his head.

Joan tipped his chin up. "You are the most infuriating, adorable man, and if you weren't so sick, I'd kiss you."

That won her a soft smile.

"How long have you been sick?"

"I noticed a tickle in my throat a few days ago. I thought it would go away on its own."

"When you were coughing earlier today… that wasn't the dust?"

"No, darling one. Please forgive me for my deception."

She took his hands. "Jaal… I'm not mad. I know this is a private matter for you, and I'm doing my best to understand. But… if you're sick, I want to know. I would never have taken you groundside if I'd known you needed rest."

Jaal looked horrified. "But I would have missed out on everything!"

She bit back a smile. "But then you also wouldn't have to lie to me."

He deflated, his eyes downcast. "I am sorry, darling one. You… you are right. I am not used to having someone to share these things with. I… I am happy that I can share them with you." He looked up again, looking so vulnerable Joan's heart went out to him.

"I'm glad you trust me enough to share this too." She kissed his cheek. "Can we get some medi-gel from Lexi now?"

Jaal frowned and huddled under the blanket she'd thrown around his shoulders. "Do I have to, darling one?"

Joan tried very hard not to laugh at the pathetic tone of voice and the pleading eyes. "I think I have some in my cabin. Come on. I have an idea that might make you rest better anyway." She took his hand and tugged him toward the door, then paused. "SAM, is everyone back in bed?"

"Kallo is at the helm running diagnostics, and Dr. T'Perro is in the med-bay. Otherwise, yes, Pathfinder. The path to your quarters will be unobserved."

"Thanks, SAM. Okay now?" She directed this last at Jaal, and he nodded, relief evident on his face. They left the tech lab and padded softly down the dimly lit corridor. Joan opted to let Jaal down the ladder first since Jaal was still only clad in a blanket, and she was really trying her best to avoid ogling… all of him. Seeing him walk, though, made it clear that he had been hiding the extent of his injuries and illness. He walked with a slight limp, and even the short distance to the bathroom seemed to make him tired and wheezy.

Joan started the shower for him, setting it as hot as she thought he could handle and again, kept her eyes on the wall opposite as she took the blanket from him. He made a small noise as the water hit his skin, eyes closing.

"Better?"

He nodded.

"Don't forget to wash those wounds. Medi-gel disinfects, but if there's crud in there, medi-gel will only do so much."

"I tried to clean them when we got back to the ship," he said, "but it was hard to do without anyone seeing me."

He bent—Joan whipped her head to the side eyes seeking something else to look at, _anything_ —and then saw him stagger out of the corner of her eye. When she turned back, Jaal was leaning against the shower wall as if it was the only thing holding him upright..

"Got dizzy," he mumbled.

Without a word, she stripped off her hoodie and sleep shorts, climbing into the shower with him in her tank top and underwear. He would never ask for help, not for something this private, this—to him—shameful. Calling Lexi to force him to med-bay didn't even cross her mind. He needed _her_ , and he didn't know how to ask.

He looked up as she touched his shoulder, eyes dilating as he took in the tank top that was quickly soaked and clinging to her skin. She hoped the heat from the showers would excuse the blush she felt was taking over her whole face. But she would not let a little thing like embarrassment stop her from helping.

"Lean on me," she said. "I'll make sure you don't fall."

Gently, as if he was afraid she might break, he did, resting one large hand on her shoulder, so he could reach down and lather the cut on his leg. Joan helped clean the scrape on his arm, and then directed him to stand in the middle of the hot blast of water.

"Breathe in the steam," she said. "It'll help loosen the tightness in your chest." She exited the shower but stayed near, toweling off.

"Darling one?"

"Mm?

"Do you always shower with your clothes on?"

Somehow answering him was easier when he wasn't looking at her. She tried to think about his perspective, how comfortable he always seemed in his own skin. "Nakedness is… private to most humans, Jaal. We aren't as comfortable with bared skin. It makes us feel… vulnerable. It's an intimacy committed partners share… usually." She hoped he didn't ask her to explain locker rooms, strippers, or one-night stands—maybe she'd tag team Liam for that one.

"Oh." He was silent for a moment. "Have I been… inappropriate?"

She smiled. "You have nothing to apologize for. We're the visitors here, remember?"

"Still, I do not wish to make you uncomfortable."

 _This man…_ Warmth flared in her chest that had nothing to do with the steam pouring out of the shower. Even sick and miserable, he still put her first.

Jaal coughed a couple of times in the shower, but it didn't sound as rough as it had before. When she noticed he was starting to lean against the wall as if too tired to stand, she made him get out and gave him towels to dry off.

"Come to my room," she said. "I'll get the medi-gel."

Towel slung around his waist, Jaal sat on the end of her bed, still looking a bit woozy, but his breathing sounded much easier. She applied medi-gel to his various scrapes, all the while aware of his gaze on her and her still damp clothes, though she thought there was more curiosity than desire. He was sick, after all.

"Darling one, can I ask you something…" He hesitated. "It may be inappropriate?"

"You can ask me anything you want," she assured him, replacing the medi-gel applicator in the first-aid kit and wiping her hands off a towel. "I will do my best to answer without getting too embarrassed."

"Humans and asari have breasts that are always… full," he said. "Angara women have breasts too, but they are not full unless pregnant or nursing. When I first met you, I assumed you had children, though I quickly saw that was not the case. Is this… normal?"

Heat rose in her face and she crossed her arms over her chest, before realizing that probably made it worse. _You did say he could ask anything,_ she reminded herself, and squeezed out her damp hair for something to do with her hands.

"Umm… well, scientists believe that full breasts is an… evolutionary advantage. We are more likely to be sought by a mate because we look fertile."

"Ah. That makes sense." He cocked his head. "I've made you uncomfortable again. Humans always seem… odd when sex comes into the conversation."

"No. I'm fine," she tried to reassure him. Biting her lip, she pressed on, sitting beside him on the bed, holding his gaze so he would know she wasn't trying to hide. "I'm not quite ready for that level of intimacy, Jaal. I care about you a lot… but… " She gestured to his wounds. "Just as you were reluctant to share your illness and injuries with me, sex isn't something I approach lightly."

Jaal nodded and was silent for a moment. "Is there anything you can share with me?" he asked in a hopeful voice. "Something you don't share with just anyone?"

Joan opened her mouth to say "Not that I can think of," but that would have been a lie.

"I… I can sing," she said, almost whispering.

Jaal's eyebrow ridges shot up in surprise. "You? Sing?"

"When my brother and I were little, Mom loved taking us to musicals as a way to get a break from the lab. I was obsessed with the old ones: Guys and Dolls, The Music Man, To The Citadel and Back, My Fair Krogan. I wanted to be a professional singer." She laughed, self-conscious, but Jaal didn't. His gaze was steady, curious, even though she belatedly realized that probably half of what she said made no sense through the translators.

"Why didn't you?"

She shrugged. "In high school—when I was a teenager—we got career counseling. My father... " She bit her lip. "Dad didn't want me to 'waste my brain' on a career he saw as frivolous."

"Joan."

"He was right," she hurried on. "I grew to like being in the Alliance, helping the archaeologists uncover ancient mysteries. I was happy to be following in my parents' footsteps… and it paid the bills."

"But your dream…" Jaal sounded so sad she almost laughed.

She reached up, cradling his cheek with her hand. "I found a new dream. Besides," she said, lightening her voice. "If I had become a singer, Dad might have disowned me and then I wouldn't have traveled 600 years to meet you."

Jaal sighed, leaning into her touch and closing his eyes. "I suppose I cannot regret that either."

"I would have been a terrible professional singer anyway," Joan continued, dropping her hand. "I liked to sing for fun, but when it came time to practice, I hated it. Kids have a lot of dreams and sometimes it's for the best that they don't come true. Mom liked to hear me sing, though. It was something that made her happy, and that was enough for me."

"And you haven't sang for anyone else?"

"No," she said. "Not since Mom died."

Jaal's warm hands closed around hers. "Will you sing for me?"

Embarrassment urged her to say "no." But Jaal had shared his illness with her; something she was certain he didn't share with anyone perhaps other than his family. He'd given her a piece of himself, and she knew—despite her inexperience with relationships, despite the critical voice in her head saying she wasn't a good singer anyway—that this was important.

So, eyes straight ahead because she _couldn't_ look him in the eye and sing at the same time or she would lose it, Joan began to sing. It was a simple song, one from _The Citadel and Back_ , the scene where the young human woman sees the Citadel for the first time and realizes how big the galaxy is. It had the wistful note of homesickness and excitement for new challenges. It was also known for being incredibly corny, but Joan had always loved it.

She covered her face with her hands when she finished, feeling completely humiliated, but Jaal gently took her hands from her face.

"Don't ever feel like you have to hide from me, darling one," he said softly. "Your beautiful spirit shines through your song. Thank you for sharing it with me."

She rested her head on his shoulder, still blushing after singing, but also from the rush of love she felt for this man. _Love_ , she thought with a start, _I love him._

This close to his chest, however, she could hear the wheezing of his lungs, and she sat back up. "I've been keeping you up when you should be resting."

"Can I stay here tonight?" He looked exhausted, eyes drooping with tiredness and the effects of his illness.

Joan paused. "What about your ion bed? I thought that was supposed to help you heal faster?"

"If I may, Pathfinder," SAM interjected. "I believe the device Jaal brought on board is portable. It would only require moving from the tech lab to your quarters."

"Okay. I'll go get it." She pulled out clean underwear, another pair of shorts, and a t-shirt (also stolen from her brother) from her dresser and, as Jaal lay down on the bed with a sigh, his back to her, she quickly changed and left the room.

The Tempest was quiet now. She poked her head into the crew quarters and all of them seemed to be sleeping soundly. She too was feeling the effects of being woken up in the middle of the night and longed to return to her bed… where her large boyfriend was currently resting.

Joan slapped her palms to her heated cheeks, feeling ridiculous. _There has to be a limit to how many times I can blush in one hour._ But for the first time in her life, she knew what it was to love someone and desire them at the same time. And yet, she hadn't lied to Jaal about not being quite ready for sex. She knew herself well enough to realize that. But when she was ready.…

Giggling to herself, Joan retrieved the ion device from underneath the cot Jaal had rigged up in the tech lab. Then searched and eventually found a set of loose, flowing clothes she thought might be Jaal's pajamas, and returned to her room.

He was almost asleep, his eyes closed to near slits. She almost didn't have the heart to wake him, but he stirred at her approach, eyes blinking slowly as she put the ion device under his side of the bed and turned it on.

"Do you want to change into your pajamas?" She held out the loose garment.

Jaal cracked a sleepy smile. "That is a ceremonial robe for celebrations."

Joan winced. "Oops." She glanced around at her dresser. "I have some sweatpants I took from my brother's locker… they _might_ fit you…"

They looked like capri pants on Jaal, fit oddly on his backwards bent knees, and were a little too tight in the crotch to be true sweatpants.

"Well," Joan said, her voice cracking. "I guess it's better than going commando."

Jaal fell back onto the bed and pulled the cover up. "I'll ask you about that one tomorrow," he declared sleepily, then opened one eye to watch her climb in beside him.

Joan felt brave enough for a split second to inch closer to him. He hummed and put an arm around her, pulling her close enough that she could feel his natural current pulsing gently under his skin. To her surprise, her biotics responded in kind, making her skin tingle all over, echoing his rhythm. Joan had felt this before, training in close proximity to Cora, or even when fighting next to Peebee: their biotic fields reaching out to each other in an attempt to equalize, but never before had it felt so easy; so intimate.

"Mmm," he said sleepily. "That is going to be something we should explore… when I'm better."

Then he was asleep, his breathing evening out, his eyes fully closed.

 _Yes, we will,_ thought Joan, then closed her eyes, and fell asleep.

* * *

Many, many thanks to quinzelade for her stellar work as my beta reader! (Go read her Danse/SS fic By No Constraint if you like Fallout 4 :D )


End file.
